Today is the 18th of May 2077. Bits of Bytes Virtual Magazine interview room in Grants Pass Oregon. Interviewer only known as 'CC'.
CC: Xanthe, we met earlier this past year in Texas and you saved my ass. I thank you for that. Lets get right to the point. You are basically a machine. A bounty hunter. Do you feel?
Xanthe: No Cindy I do not feel. Thoughts such as empathy, happiness, or hatred that provoke a response are not part of my programming. These are merely words with no meaning.
CC: Please do not use names during this interview. Someone might get the impression that I have been assisting you. I personally do not want to be a part of your practice of "offing" people who get in your way.
Xanthe: That will not be a problem Mrs. Calloway. I will not use your name.
CC: Well, fuck. That's just great, just great! Thanks, jeez, lets get on with the interview shall we? Are you completely machine or are you a hybrid? What makes you tick?
Xanthe: I was once a human female. In the year 2018 I was involved in a tragic welding accident in the Ukraine. The explosion left me half the woman I used to be. After careful deliberation and a long drawn out funeral my husband decided to grant my last wish and donate my body to science. Unbeknownst to my husband the donate clause did not have a DNR. I was resuscitated several hundred times on my way to Roswell New Mexico.
CC: Oh my God! You remember this horrific event? That is terrible!
Xanthe: I do not remember this event. I am pulling up files from Emerald.
CC: Thank God for that. I hate to bring this up but do you know what happened next?
Xanthe: Yes. I was rushed to a secret location that I do not know about to this day. It was located somewhere in the general vicinity of Area 77. The technicians removed pieces of me that did not function. They included my spine, major organs, and hands. I was stored in Cryofreeze for forty-four years. My internal cavity was filled with silicon and circuitry. In 2063 I was developed and engineered as an assassin for the NIB along with thirty-two other women. I am currently a functioning entity.
CC: This all seems kind of sad to me. You obviously do not feel sadness. Did your husband ever figure out you were still "alive" so to speak?
Xanthe: No to both questions. He died many years ago a rich man from the insurance policy he took out on me without my knowledge.
CC: Your story is quite fascinating and sounds a lot like the old science fiction tales spun like Robocop, Blade Runner, The Six-Million Dollar man, Bionic Woman, you know the same old song and dance.
Xanthe: If I may be so bold here, they are all pussy stories told by filmmakers and producers with no testicles. Take this 'Frankenstein' story one step further. I kill with no conviction. I will end your life with precision and accuracy. I will eliminate you because Emerald has instructed me to. All of the previously mentioned pussies had 'feelings'. Whoa is me. Blah, blah, blah. It is so cliche.
CC: (Laughing) You are actually quite funny. So was the Terminator a pussy? He had no feelings.
Xanthe: The last movie they made in 2067, "Rise of the End of the Beginning of the Fall of the Start of the Terminator 35" movie was proof that a geriatric Terminator was a bad idea. I will kick his ass and his Hover-Walker. Emerald has given me the "green light" to take care of him if I see him in a Fructose Mart shopping for HFCS.
CC: I want to thank you again for saving my life. It means a lot to me, my life that is.
Xanthe: You serve a function and Emerald approves of your fucking kick-ass attitude.
CC: Thank you Xanthe for your time. Where are you headed next?
Xanthe: I am heading south to kill a couple of fuzzbucket runaway Twins. Emerald will restore order to this planet.
Bits of Bytes deleted outtakes of Xanthe interview. PG34
CC: You are quite stunning and beautiful. Did the "people" who made you do this on purpose?
Xanthe: Yes. My seductive outer sheath is only an extra protective layer for my internal circuitry. I use my beauty as an advantage over your species. When I walk it's like watching a porch swing on a lazy summer day. You just gotta have me right here right now. I appeal to both men and women. They cannot resist my raspy sultry voice and vibrating features. I am also quite useful as a weather station and a Jukebox.
CC: You cuss like a drunken sailor sometimes. Is this some kind of defect in your programming?
Xanthe: Oh hell no. I have an adaptive environmental syntax program that allows me to 'blend in' with my surroundings. My Stryker also has adaptive camouflage used in blending in with its surroundings. When our evolution came to fruition, the team of scientists behind Emerald believed that a Pseudosilicon should not be 'stiff'. They should appear fluid, as though they belong alongside humanity. What do most humans respond to? Cussing, put-downs, and verbal bullying, of course. You have been doing it for centuries and I do not see a day where you will be slowing down or stopping your enhancement of colorful metaphors and oral stoning of the freaky and weak. I do not have defects. I only have colorful advantages and quick wit.
CC: Okay then (clears throat) why don't you explain some of these strange verbal assaults. Cuntcake? Twatwaffle? Prosti-tot? Crayola? These sound awful and very derogatory. Where are the normal 'sentence enhancers'?
Xanthe: Sentence enhancers? That's a good one. If I could laugh I would. You yourself are quite funny Cindy.
"CC: Thank you I will take that as a compliment.
Xanthe: Well to start off with, most of the memories of my native language remain from before my accident. The programmers figured why spend all of the extra time and effort and waste money rebuilding a new database. So here we are today. Let me give you a few examples. You mentioned Cuntcake. This is a sarcastic use of the word Cupcake and I love to throw this word at big burly lumberjacks, bodyguards, and bullies, who are more than likely closet cross-dressers and play with nylons and high-heels while the wife is at work. It really pisses them off and normally a failed attempt to punch me follows the use of this word. How about Twatwaffle. I love how this word sounds. say it with me Cindy, Twat...waffle.
CC: Uh, um, Twatwaffle, yep, rolls right off the tongue, um yea...
Xanthe: Sounds great doesn't it? It just flows off the tongue like a beautiful concerto or a conchairto in the WWE as I prefer. This is more of a female version Of Cuntcake and is used only in emergencies and when a wanna be bad ass bitch wont shut the fuck up. Most of your Arcing bimbos and worthless wannabe Prosti-tots get the blunt end of this beautiful word.
CC: What is a Prosti-tot you just mentioned? Is this some form of Prostitute?
Xanthe: Exactly Cindy. This term is used for preteen whores who cannot decide if all of that gaudy warpaint and make-up they are wearing is for their Arced out boyfriends or for their jobs at the nearest street corner. Lay off the paint job girls, you look like you fell into a gang-bang with a box of Crayolas. If someone wants to see that much color they will head to the nearest Warhol exhibit.
CC: Well I think we are, um, running out of time Xanthe so thank you for your time and good luck. (wipes sweating brow with her shirt sleeve)
Xanthe: Thank you Cindy. My agent will be writing my memoirs at the end of my next mission and I will have a list of these and other fine sentence enhancers and phrases available for anyone who wants to use them, free of charge of course. They include Slaghead, Slimeslider, Cowcunt, Ditch Pig, Goat Roper, Sheep Shagger, Turd Burglar, Sharp as a Cue Ball, and many others.
CC: You have an AGENT?!
Xanthe: Why of course Cindy. Who doesn't nowadays? She is also my promoter and my marketer who is going to reap the benefits of my story while I am in stasis and undergoing sanitizing. She will be introducing my new line of twelve-inch BOB's that resemble me. I posed for these a while back and the likeness is very remarkable.
CC: BOB's? What the heck is that?
Xanthe: Battery Operated Boyfriends Cindy. C'mon, you know...
CC: Um, we have got to go. Cut-CUT! CUT!